Jennie Pahl -Wilderness that has molded me

Vaguely I remember the conversation my parents had with me and my siblings about moving the Chesterfield, Virginia. My brothers were upset that they had to leave their tree fort and could no longer terrorize the cows that backed up to our 12 acres of land, but I had no feelings about the situation. This move was going to be a radical learning experience for me for the next 9 years of my life, and I hadn’t the slightest idea.
At the age of four I was thought to be a very independent child and loved to explore. I found myself drawn to the massive woods behind my house. I would walk to the edge and my heart would begin to beat faster and faster, this was my wilderness just as the west and space were at one time man’s wilderness. I ventured in to find a world of amazing new things. Sitting on a log about two hundred yards from my house I could see nothing, but the trees which engulfed me. For the first few visits I found myself staring in amazement and looking straight up at the colossal pine trees.
After a while I began to notice the little bugs that crawled along side of me on the decaying tree trunk. I was a little taken back and scared, but I kneeled down and watched them ever so swiftly glide across the bark and tunnel between it. Walking back that afternoon I noticed some fungus growing on the end of the tree trunk. Being the curious kid I was I picked up a small twig and poked it. I wanted to see what exactly it was growing from. After only finding the end of the tree trunk I ran home and anxiously waited for my dad to come home so he could explain to me what this green stuff was.
As the years flew by I watched the seasons change the woods behind my house. I loved being in them every second of the day that I could. One day when I was in second grade I saw my first wild bunny rabbit. It was white with a gray spot on his chest. He just sat there staring at me a still as a statue. I didn’t want to scare him so I tried hard to not even breathe. About three seconds later he broke off his intense staring and continued to munch on some kind of vegetation growing from the ground. This was the first encounter of hundreds that I had with the bunnies. Up until this point the woods had always been my way of learning and growing through the exploration of wilderness. Little did I know my journey would lead me to what I feel is the most powerful spiritual connection I have ever had the honor of experiencing.
Being the youngest of three which meant having two older brothers was often what I felt was my curse. Growing up I got picked on, beat up, and yelled at and these woods were always so good to me. They were inviting, comforting, and a fun escape, in short, they were my very own dream come true. At the age of nine I told on my brother for locking me in my room, and he told me the next day that I was not what my parents had always told me. He explained that a "nice surprise" in parental terms meant I was an "accident". In his exact words I was on this Earth only because Mom and Dad’s form of birth control had failed. Jonathan, my brother, went on to tell me that my parents hated me and didn’t want me. So I packed my bookbag and ran away to the woods.
Once in the woods I found a nice place that seemed to have a little opening through the trees straight above where you could see the sky. I found myself on my knees crying and praying to God that he just take me away. For that moment which seemed like an eternity I could feel the embracement of the wilderness and God around me. It was then I realized these woods, this wilderness, was more than just a habitat as I had been taught when I recreated it in play-dough for my third grade project. These woods would see me through something that still effects me to this day.
My Mother decided the Christmas of 2000, that she would be happier without my Father. This was everything I had ever known. I found myself in the woods that year the day after a horrendous ice storm begging God to let Mom change her mind. I prayed about not letting Daddy go to hell for Mom’s selfish deciscions, and for the family to help us get through. As I fell to my knees with tears in my eyes I could hear the trees around me breaking and falling to the ground. It was like they too were dying with me, they were just so overwhelmed they snapped and fell to their death like my heart. As strange as it sounds that was the last time I was in those woods before they developed it 3 years later (and turned it into over five hundred single family homes), and to this day I can still remember the exact feelings that had come over me laying on the icy ground. After over three hours I was still there sobbing on the ground, but the whole time I was not alone I was being embraced by my father (God), the one who guided my family through the horrific experience. Around dusk my Daddy found me in the woods after hours of looking for me and as he carried me out like a helpless baby I knew these woods would become, but a foreign place when the house was sold.
My experience in those woods was a big part of my life. Through them I learned so many amazing life lessons, and came to know God ouside of boring hymnals and church. God revealed himself to me when we were inside of the wilderness that reflected everything great and amazing that he accomplished and made for us to enjoy. To this very day when I feel burdened or want to connect with God I turn to some form of nature, whether it be the beach, woods, or mountains I know where to look for that embracement every Christian longs for.